Premarital and Couples: What feeling is not allowed, and what do you use in its place? | Couple's Net | Chandrama Anderson | Almanac Online |

Local Blogs

Couple's Net

By Chandrama Anderson

E-mail Chandrama Anderson

About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ...  (More)

View all posts from Chandrama Anderson

Premarital and Couples: What feeling is not allowed, and what do you use in its place?

Uploaded: Dec 13, 2019
What feeling do you not allow yourself to have, either because it is intolerable to you, your family didn't allow it, or it's just too scary or painful to have? What feeling or behavior do you use in its place?

Here are a few examples:

I can't feel vulnerable; I use anger instead.
I can't feel scared, I use disconnection instead.
I can't feel shame, I use judgement instead.
I can't feel anger, I use criticism instead.

Take a moment to consider your answer to this question. Breathe.

When you notice yourself feeling or behaving in your "instead" mode, slow down and wonder if the feeling you're not allowed to have is at play. Slow down some more. Just breathe and notice the feeling. Don't fix it, don't indulge it, just notice.

Try saying to yourself, "Isn't it interesting, I'm feeling _______." Breathe again.

When you can learn to tolerate your difficult feelings (notice I didn't say good/bad/right/wrong) you have the opportunity to find out what they're about. And you can then ask yourself what you need to attend to. Once you do, the feeling usually subsides. If you don't, the feeling grows until you pay attention.

Feelings are like road signs. Yield, Curves Ahead, or Sharp Left Turn is information to which you need to attend. Neither do you park your car under the road sign. Either ignoring the warning (a feeling) or parking (indulging/ruminating) will likely lead to a crash.  The same is true of your emotional life.

So for now, just notice. After you gather more information about yourself, you can devise experiments to address these feelings. If you want help, ask for it.
Democracy.
What is it worth to you?

Comments

There are no comments yet for this post

Follow this blogger.
Sign up to be notified of new posts by this blogger.

Email:

SUBMIT

Post a comment

Sorry, but further commenting on this topic has been closed.

Stay informed.

Get the day's top headlines from Almanac Online sent to your inbox in the Express newsletter.

My Holiday Wish List for Menlo Park
By Dana Hendrickson | 1 comment | 3,262 views

Burning just one "old style" light bulb can cost $150 or more per year
By Sherry Listgarten | 12 comments | 3,088 views

Banning the public from PA City Hall
By Diana Diamond | 27 comments | 2,237 views

Pacifica’s first brewery closes its doors
By The Peninsula Foodist | 0 comments | 1,982 views

Holiday Fun in San Francisco- Take the Walking Tour for An Evening of Sparkle!
By Laura Stec | 8 comments | 1,691 views

 

Support local families in need

Your contribution to the Holiday Fund will go directly to nonprofits supporting local families and children in need. Last year, Almanac readers and foundations contributed over $300,000.

DONATE