It’s Not Someone Else’s Responsibility to Honor My Marriage . . .

. . . It’s my responsibility.
–David Duchovny

David is right. It’s your responsibility to honor your marriage. What vows did you make? Are you honoring them every day—and I mean every day? What are your shared values? What did you talk about before getting married that you agreed were going to be the foundations of your marriage? Are you enacting them? Are you honoring them?

I hear many couples tell me what s/he isn’t doing. And I believe them. But I also want to hold a mirror up to you and ask, “Is this who you want to be? Do you want to be a person accusing your spouse rather than taking responsibility for your marriage?”

It’s always easier to see what your partner is or isn’t doing. But you have no control over your spouse. You only have control over yourself, your own behavior. So, now I ask you, what is your part in what’s going on in your relationship? What can you do differently? Are you keeping the vows and agreements you made?

Are you kind? Compassionate? Helpful? Supportive? Listening well? Are you sharing yourself? Your needs and hopes in a non-critical way? Are you letting your beloved in, or turning him/her away? Sharing your dreams? Asking how her/his day was? Are you greeting him/her at the door if you’re the first one home? Are you making your beloved your priority? Even over your kids, work, etc? Your relationship is the roof over your kids’ heads. Is it healthy or filled with strife?

It’s true that people cheat on their spouses. The only way to prevent that is to not cheat. Keep the windows and doors closed to protect your relationship. It’s your responsibility to keep your fidelity. I’m referring to both sexual and emotional affairs.

You do not need to check on your beloved, you need to trust. You do not need to call or text constantly to check up on him/her. Most people I’ve encountered exchange a few texts or calls a day or week and are fine with that. Everyone is different as to how much communication they want or need while apart. But pay attention to your motives when you do make contact. Is it to say, “I love you.” or “Please bring home some milk.” Or is it a pretext to check up on her/him?

What can you do to honor your marriage and improve it? It takes patience to do your part without pointing fingers. The wedding is only the beginning to keeping one another healthy and happy. It’s your responsibility.

If you’re having trouble, seek professional help. You may not have learned the skills and tools you need to communicate, to know and share your feelings, to negotiate well, to make your marriage the priority as you make decisions. That’s true for many people. It doesn’t mean you can’t learn. The brain can change until you die. That’s the great news.

Part of being an adult is taking responsibility for your actions. So be an adult. I have faith in you.