By Chandrama Anderson
E-mail Chandrama Anderson
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ... (More)
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in Silicon Valley for 15 years before becoming a therapist. My background in high-tech is helpful in understanding local couples' dynamics and the pressures of living here. I am a wife, mom, sister, friend, author, and lifelong advocate for causes I believe in (such as marriage equality). My parents are both deceased. My son graduated culinary school and is heading toward a degree in Sociology. I enjoy reading, hiking, water fitness, movies, 49ers and Stanford football, Giants baseball, and riding a tandem bike with my husband. I love the beach and mountains; nature is my place of restoration. In my work with couples, and in this blog, I combine knowledge from many fields to bring you my best ideas, tips, tools and skills, plus book and movie reviews, and musings to help you be your genuine self, find your own voice, and have a happy and healthy relationship. Don't be surprised to hear about brain research and business skills, self-soothing techniques from all walks of life, suggestions and experiments, and anything that lights my passion for couples. (Author and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Calif. Lic # MFC 45204.) (Hide)
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There’s a very interesting article that came out recently in Scientific American called The Science of Passionate Sex
The obsession of sex in our culture (which is also often a taboo to discuss in a couple context), through articles, shows, magazines and books about better orgasms, performance, harder erections, hot sex, etc. is leading you in the wrong direction to have a sexually gratifying life with your beloved.
In a nutshell, the research results showed that ‘harmonious sexual passion’ defined as “passion for sex that is well integrated and in harmony with other aspects of the self . . . frees one up to fully engage and enjoy sexual activity in an open, spontaneous, and nondefensive manner.”
This is in contrast to ‘obsessive sexual passion’, which is generally about sexual release rather than connection. “Their sexual desires remain detached from other areas of their self as well as other domains in life. This leads to more narrow goals, such as immediate sexual gratification (e.g., orgasm), and leads to more of an urgent feeling of sex as a goal, compelling us to perform, instead of us being in control of our sexuality.”
I urge you to read the article and think about your own sex life; how is it now? How do you want it to be? Talk to each other about it, and even though it may be vulnerable to do so. Tell your partner your hopes and dreams for your sex life, and how that integrates into your life overall. Use specific words, rather than beating around the bush.
When you’re the listener, hold your beloved’s words and needs as gently as though they are birds eggs, fragile and full of life.