She Doesn't Want Sex; He Doesn't Want to Talk, Part II | Couple's Net | Chandrama Anderson | Almanac Online |

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By Chandrama Anderson

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About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and have lived in and around Palo Alto since 1969. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in Silicon Valley for 15 years before becoming a therapist. My background i...  (More)

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She Doesn't Want Sex; He Doesn't Want to Talk, Part II

Uploaded: Jun 2, 2015
I purposely left silence last week because that is what can happen when not talking and not having sex go on for a while. That silence gets filled with logistics, focus on kids and extended family, schedules, vacation planning, time with other couples, and so on. And intimacy declines.

The foundation of your relationship likely had lots of talking and lots of sex. As the silence grows, it is usually lonely for both people. And how each responds to it now will be different, based on who you are.

Not talking and not having sex are often intertwined. Each person makes meaning of the other's actions (or lack thereof) -- whether or not those meanings are accurate. For example: She doesn't love me; he's not interested in me; and further; I'm not worthy, attractive, good enough, loveable, and so on.

By now, sex and talking are fraught with angst, and have become super-charged topics. Each person has been "rejected" enough in their efforts that you don't want to keep trying and getting turned down.

I am going to make a generalization here, and it won't be fitting to all of you: men feel connected through sex; women need to feel connected in order to want to have sex. A note: at times, it is the men who don't want to have sex, so please don't worry about my pronouns.

The 5 Love Languages are touch, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and gifts. Talking and Sex are each languages. Neither is good or bad, better or worse.
Please don't discount your partner's Love Language, whether it is sex or talking. Try to reach out and offer love in each others' languages.

Are there other areas in your relationship where you are withholding? Are you using withholding as a negotiating tool in your marriage? Can you discuss that first? What areas are they? Understanding the meaning beneath issues is so important for couples.

Marriage is not a 50/50 responsibility. It is 100/100. So whoever is able to be responsible (literally, able to respond), please, break this impasse.

So what is talking? What does she want from you? Yes, at times it's talking about your relationship, at other times it is big or deep topics. But in my experience with clients, on a day-to-day basis, she wants you to be interested in her. Ask about her day, show your care, take HER side in the anecdotes she shares, listen well, give empathy, and don't fix.

As for sex, hopefully both of you will initiate it -- but not initiating sex doesn't mean she isn't interested or she's unwilling.

Who initiates conversation? (Not logistical conversations.) Pay attention, and make efforts at both initiating conversations.

Many couples tell me they are too busy to make time for each other. I ask, "If I were a fly on the wall in your house what would I see?" Are you are in separate rooms on your devices?

So make time, initiate conversation, and see what re-emerges with your sex life.

Comments

 +   19 people like this
Posted by Stu Pitt, a resident of Martens-Carmelita,
on Jun 2, 2015 at 4:33 pm

...


 +  Like this comment
Posted by mauricio, a resident of Embarcadero Oaks/Leland,
on Jun 4, 2015 at 7:40 am

mauricio is a registered user.

I used to be married to a woman who always wanted to talk, but never wanted to have sex. The more we talked, the less sex she wanted to have. She even wanted to spend our honeymoon talking and didn't seem much interested in interspersing the talk with a little sex. I like good conversation, but my experience with women who claim that sex without conversation is meaningless, is that they just didn't like sex, and would come up with a myriad of excuse not have it.


 +   2 people like this
Posted by blubald, a resident of Menlo Park: Downtown,
on Jun 5, 2015 at 8:50 am

Thank you for this - it's difficult to know when to stop her from talking and say, Ok, my turn, let's have sex.
Biggest problem in my marriage is getting her to initiate sex, she'll talk, I'll initiate conversation, but she wont initiate sex... then when I do, it seems to be the wrong time.

Has to be the leading cause of affairs I'd think, because being shot down for intimacy by the one who loves you is a huge blow to the ego.


 +  Like this comment
Posted by Nature will help, a resident of Old Mountain View,
on Jun 5, 2015 at 2:08 pm

If you keep going to a well and there is no water in it, eventually your thirst will drive you to another well. It's a fundamental human drive developed over millions of years of evolution. Nature and the natural human sexual drive will make sure, eventually, that thirst will be quenched...one way or another. The internet has made it almost as easy as ordering a pizza.


 +   1 person likes this
Posted by Sir Chasm, a resident of Crescent Park,
on Jun 9, 2015 at 10:37 am

Another stereotypical comment about women and sex to go along with the crowd.
All those women who want to talk and don't want to have sex ... just wait until they
are old, overweight and unattractive ... then they will want to have sex all the time
and you'll be the one who want to talk ... your way out of it.

Women seem to need a reason to have sex, and men seem to need a reason
to talk. Whatever, when it gets to the point of recriminations just for being who
they are/were when you decided to be together, maybe time to move on.

Life and nature are just perverse. If you are with someone who doesn't want to
talk when you want to talk - all the time, or doesn't want to have sex when your
want to have sex - all the time ... then, why are you with that person? Could it
be that you do not fancy your chances to have sex or talk out of the relationship
any more than in it?


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