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By Chandrama Anderson

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About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and have lived in and around Palo Alto since 1969. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in Silicon Valley for 15 years before becoming a therapist. My background i...  (More)

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He Doesn't Want to Talk. She Doesn't Want to Have Sex.

Uploaded: May 28, 2015
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Comments

 +   2 people like this
Posted by no need for overtime, a resident of Gemello,
on May 28, 2015 at 8:10 pm

why are women so prude about sex....geez . if its a committed relationship it should just be expected at this point. I hate that its always a issue. women!!!!! juat give it up. !! your not 19 and in a position to always make it an issue. again I say geez!!!!!I've done my work and put in my time, no need for overtime.


 +   3 people like this
Posted by Keyser Von Eichstatttake, a resident of another community,
on May 29, 2015 at 4:27 pm

take off the chastity belts- it's 2015 not 1415.


 +   9 people like this
Posted by Married or not......, a resident of Gunn High School,
on May 30, 2015 at 1:56 am

Women have minds of their own, if they don't want to play around, respect that. We are not to be treated like a dog and told to lie down at a whim.....


 +   10 people like this
Posted by Sally, a resident of Midtown,
on May 30, 2015 at 1:14 pm

I didn't want my husband to waste much time talking. I just wanted it all the time, and he was good at providing it. If I didn't have an orgasm every day, I didn't feel quite right. I had several girlfriends who said they didn't know what an orgasm was! They had sexual hang ups, I think, because they were taught that sex was dirty and shameful and a tool of leverage. I was raised on a farm, and a lot of us farm girls were quite lusty, with no shame. Maybe this is an urban problem?


 +   9 people like this
Posted by Drama queen, a resident of Embarcadero Oaks/Leland,
on May 30, 2015 at 5:25 pm

So your husband doesn't want to talk. And you do not want to have sex , chanDRAMA? Not surprising but why should we care


 +   3 people like this
Posted by Remy, a resident of another community,
on May 30, 2015 at 11:14 pm

Sally makes good points, about leverage and the urban generalization. I kinda agree with both. I lived in the Midwest for 2 years and the women were different then the California women. Granted I'm 34 year old male now lived in California for 20 years vs those 2 in Midwest, (19 and 20 years old).... But I think she is on to something.


 +   1 person likes this
Posted by Married or not, a resident of Gunn High School,
on May 31, 2015 at 2:27 pm

Growing up on a farm leaves too much time to relate to the animals~ I am thankful to be a California woman...it's about choices...


 +   2 people like this
Posted by ellipsis?, a resident of Professorville,
on May 31, 2015 at 2:44 pm

What happened to the text of the blog? Was it always just the headline and an ellipsis?


 +  Like this comment
Posted by married or not, a resident of Gunn High School,
on May 31, 2015 at 2:51 pm

It is what it is.....:)


 +   2 people like this
Posted by Sally, a resident of Midtown,
on May 31, 2015 at 3:28 pm

Actually, I am very happy to have had a healthy sex life. Women like me are sometimes referred to as "nymphos", but we walk all the way into happiness, because we are the ones having orgasms, while those who attempt to dismiss us are not! So few women in Palo Alto are happy with their sex lives. Yes, I did learn that sex was a natural thing on the farm, its easy, once you see a mare in heat wanting it from a stallion. I always wanted it, and my husband was a real stud. I am a content and happy woman, even though I currently live in California.


 +   1 person likes this
Posted by Kazu, a resident of Downtown North,
on May 31, 2015 at 4:03 pm

We were put on Earth to have fun, and sex is fun.

Guys, if you are with a woman who doesn't want to have sex, then break off the relationship and find a woman who does.

@Drama, you are right. There is no reason at all for anyone to worry about other couple's communication issues and sex lives.

@Sally, you totally rock!


 +  Like this comment
Posted by Married or not, a resident of Gunn High School,
on May 31, 2015 at 5:09 pm

Kazu~you are taking both sides of the fence, saying "there is no reason at all for anyone to worry about other couple's communication issues and sex lives.."...then you give props to Sally telling her (or is she really a he?) that she rocks...lol....No way could I ever get turned on watching farm animals grunting and wishing weirdo things. But I was told that "it takes all kinds" to make the world, this being a good example. Moderator knows that for sure!


 +   1 person likes this
Posted by Kazu, a resident of Downtown North,
on May 31, 2015 at 5:34 pm

@Married or not, I was not taking both sides of the fence at all. I merely stated that there is no need to worry if others have sexual or communications problems. It is their problem, so they will need to sort it out - or not.

Of course I gave props to Sally. She seems to enjoy life to the fullest, including sex. That is a good thing. Make love and not war. As for "Sally's" gender, I'm afraid I didn't check under the hood. I

You stated that "if they don't want to play around, respect that", and I agree completely. Unless he is OK with that (most men aren't), a guy should respect that and move on to a woman who is more compatible.


 +  Like this comment
Posted by Married or not, a resident of Gunn High School,
on May 31, 2015 at 6:34 pm

Kazu~ Yes, I got what she said about the farm, I was repulsed. Anyway, as for the rest of your thread share, I agree with you :) War is hell, not only on the battle field but where ever it raises it's ugly head.


 +  Like this comment
Posted by Jack R, a resident of Cuesta Park,
on May 31, 2015 at 6:57 pm

@ ellipsis, I think chanDRAMA wants to see the replies from the title only, from the beginning the post has been "..."


 +   1 person likes this
Posted by Kazu, a resident of Downtown North,
on May 31, 2015 at 7:44 pm

@Married or not, if war is hell, so is censorship. It seems Palo Alto Online fosters plenty of both, both here and in other threads. Apparently, that is by design, an online Jerry Springer Show of sorts That is unfortunate, but less dysfunctional alternatives will inevitably pop up elsewhere.


 +   3 people like this
Posted by Ellipsis, a resident of Professorville,
on Jun 1, 2015 at 2:01 am

...


 +   1 person likes this
Posted by RW, a resident of another community,
on Jun 1, 2015 at 8:43 am

@kazu

You write "There is no reason at all for anyone to worry about other couple's communication issues and sex lives."

Chandrama is a therapist, so while she shouldn't worry about couples issues, she is concerned with them. It's her profession!


 +   4 people like this
Posted by Peter P, a resident of Evergreen Park,
on Jun 1, 2015 at 11:55 am

@ Sally - Can you provide me with your phone number. You sound like a lot of fun...


 +   4 people like this
Posted by Sally, a resident of Midtown,
on Jun 1, 2015 at 3:04 pm

"No way could I ever get turned on watching farm animals grunting and wishing weirdo things."

Married or not, you express a strong and fearful aversion to healthy sex. Healthy sex is what the birds and bees and animals and uninhibited human do. What is "weird" about it? My farmer parents always had a smile on their face, even with six kids they were responsible for. They never tried to stop us kids from watching how the animals do it, and they never tried to shame us about sex. I think that is why I have a healthy attitude about sex. Look, regular orgasms are great!


 +  Like this comment
Posted by 2cents, a resident of Blossom Valley,
on Jun 1, 2015 at 10:21 pm

yo RW you say "Chandrama is a therapist", doesnt one need clientele to be such? she has a blog, she may be " book qualified" but I studied science in 8th grade so im a scientist? dont believe me? check her yelp page, every review states y he same thing "I have never been a client but......or.....i have known her butnever usef her sservice....


 +  Like this comment
Posted by Nasty Nate, a resident of another community,
on Jun 2, 2015 at 12:02 am

All you people claiming you won't get turned on by farm animals are only lying to yourselves.


 +   1 person likes this
Posted by Chandrama Anderson, a Almanac Online blogger,
on Jun 2, 2015 at 7:58 am

Chandrama Anderson is a registered user.

Thanks for bring up the Yelp topic. As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, it is not legal nor ethical for me to ask clients for reviews. Other professionals who know and trust my work may write reviews, however, if they choose to do so.


 +  Like this comment
Posted by Cid Young, a resident of another community,
on Jun 3, 2015 at 9:00 am

I think the comment about growing up on a farm and being around animals who mate, was more about giving one a healthy attitude about sex, as natural as it is ... and should be.

The problem with some couples is "man-made" or perhaps, in some cases, "church-made". In other words, you never see an animal feeling embarrassed or guilty. There are some religions that promote absolution via "confession" but that just makes for hypocrites who get absolved from their perceived "sins" and go back out and partake of the same action again, such as drinking, gambling, or even sex or child birth, without the benefit of marriage.
I'm not saying these are "sins", although many religious organizations do. I am saying that to go to confession, "wipe the slate clean" so-to-speak, but then take the same action again afterwards, is a contradiction in my mind. Maybe organized religion promotes guilt. Maybe guilt causes some folks to feel that sex is a sin. I do not know.
Perhaps it's healthier to be spiritual, without all the trappings of organized religious beliefs. In my mind the reason to attend a service is to be uplifted, not put down or "preached to".

On the other hand, some men aren't up for it any more because of anger. Maybe the same is true of women. A partner's silence could be an indication of that. Communications is key to any good relationship. Silence indicates an unwillingness to divulge inner thoughts and feelings. Reasons for anger could be planted by corrosive negative comments or even some "petty offences" the other partner is not even aware of. Start talking, or go visit the Livestock Pavilion at the San Mateo County Fair!


 +   1 person likes this
Posted by Married or not......, a resident of Gunn High School,
on Jun 3, 2015 at 9:58 am

Humm, don't see my last response and also two others posted from someone else who responded...guess we are being censored......which is wrong as I do not feel I wrote anything discriminatory or obscene! ( Not my style.) So much for free speech. Talking about orgasms here, you should expect more than just one opinion from the masses...sorry that your column isn't all candy coated per Palo Alto....


 +   1 person likes this
Posted by CrescentParkAnon., a resident of Crescent Park,
on Jun 3, 2015 at 11:37 am

I notice that many if not most comments on PAO or any other online
discussion site always seem to suffer from the participants not really
wanting to discuss anything, but the post anyway.

First comment: why are women so prude about sex....geez .

Stated in such a way as to first hijack the discussion, and second
frame any subsequent discussion in a way as to disparage all women.


>> take off the chastity belts- it's 2015 not 1415.

Another one.

But seriously, this post, blog entry, whatever they are called is
a little thin and maybe provokes comments like that on an overly
broad topic flippantly introduced.

It is significant to me that here we are in one of the most educated
and affluent areas of the country and this is the quality of discussion
we can produce? Think about the rest of the country, no wonder the
US is losing its character and diverges so much from the rest of the
developed world.


 +   1 person likes this
Posted by CrescentParkAnon., a resident of Crescent Park,
on Jun 3, 2015 at 11:50 am

>> Guys, if you are with a woman who doesn't want to have sex, then break off the relationship and find a woman who does.

Ah, gotta love people who live in a simple world.

In the real world people have interactions, needs and responsibilities beyond mere sex, or any other single issue that precludes answers so simple as just solve that one problem in isolation. I wonder why there are not more thoughtful intelligent answers on blogs. People seem to aim for the zingers, like they are on the Letterman show, or a game show.

Relationships often do come to a close after lengthy periods of no sex, or they can continue on forever in many different ways. The problem with sex is that even if one or both partners might not want to have sex with the other partner, it doesn't mean they will not be affected by that other partner choosing to have sex with someone else, or that they have no sex drive and are not tempted. Why just throw out the whole subject of relationships by assuming they are only about sex?

People are irrational creatures. They do not apply the same rules to themselves they want to see honored by others. They do not want others to be more happy than they are, and sometimes they even do not want others to be unhappy, although we seem to have raised the unhappiness for others as one of the ways we measure success for ourselves these days.

Anyway, sometimes an old fashioned girl that doesn't know or care what an orgasm is might be just what the doctor ordered! ;-) Sorry to be so flippant, but there might be a biological or evolutionary reason why human society developed as it did, as opposed to for example bonobo society, for right or wrong. Do we accept nature or do we try to make it better, and how do we judge if we can or if we succeed? Can we change or deny our natures, and how unhappy can we make ourselves before we realize it doesn't work?


 +  Like this comment
Posted by CrescentParkAnon., a resident of Crescent Park,
on Jun 3, 2015 at 4:08 pm

I disagree with you that all women are prudish, or all of anyone is anything.


 +  Like this comment
Posted by Chandrama Anderson, a Almanac Online blogger,
on Jun 3, 2015 at 8:02 pm

Chandrama Anderson is a registered user.

I appreciate everyone's comments, and the editing is primarily for comments about each other.


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