By Chandrama Anderson
E-mail Chandrama Anderson
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ... (More)
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in Silicon Valley for 15 years before becoming a therapist. My background in high-tech is helpful in understanding local couples' dynamics and the pressures of living here. I am a wife, mom, sister, friend, author, and lifelong advocate for causes I believe in (such as marriage equality). My parents are both deceased. My son graduated culinary school and is heading toward a degree in Sociology. I enjoy reading, hiking, water fitness, movies, 49ers and Stanford football, Giants baseball, and riding a tandem bike with my husband. I love the beach and mountains; nature is my place of restoration. In my work with couples, and in this blog, I combine knowledge from many fields to bring you my best ideas, tips, tools and skills, plus book and movie reviews, and musings to help you be your genuine self, find your own voice, and have a happy and healthy relationship. Don't be surprised to hear about brain research and business skills, self-soothing techniques from all walks of life, suggestions and experiments, and anything that lights my passion for couples. (Author and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Calif. Lic # MFC 45204.) (Hide)
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I know no one wants to be a marriage underachiever. Would we have low standards for ourselves about our marriage? Whose standards are we using? Have we discussed what we want, what we need, as a couple? What our roles will be as husband and wife (and our view of the other as husband or wife)? Or two wives, two husbands?
In the past, marriage was to unite and strengthen lineage for position and gain. It's only in the last 50 or so years that love is the driving factor in marriage.
I decided to look up* the words 'marriage' and 'relationship' and that led me to 'connection' and bond,' and I want to share those definitions with you.
Connection: noun. Something that communicates, relates
Bond: noun. association, relation
As you consider these definitions, how do you think you are doing? How does your mate think she is doing? (Did you notice I am not asking how you think your mate is doing?)
Consider what you need to experiment with or change to be marriage achievers (which is not being perfect, by the way), and practice those things.
Remember that Dr. John Gottman's research shows that as long as we have five positive interactions for every one poor interaction, we have what it takes to have a happy and healthy marriage.
It seems a lot of marriage underachieving is a result of not being explicit about hopes and dreams, expectations and needs, and of not putting in the time, effort, and work that relationships take.
For a list of topics to discuss with your beloved
, see my earlier blog.