By Chandrama Anderson
E-mail Chandrama Anderson
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ... (More)
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in Silicon Valley for 15 years before becoming a therapist. My background in high-tech is helpful in understanding local couples' dynamics and the pressures of living here. I am a wife, mom, sister, friend, author, and lifelong advocate for causes I believe in (such as marriage equality). My parents are both deceased. My son graduated culinary school and is heading toward a degree in Sociology. I enjoy reading, hiking, water fitness, movies, 49ers and Stanford football, Giants baseball, and riding a tandem bike with my husband. I love the beach and mountains; nature is my place of restoration. In my work with couples, and in this blog, I combine knowledge from many fields to bring you my best ideas, tips, tools and skills, plus book and movie reviews, and musings to help you be your genuine self, find your own voice, and have a happy and healthy relationship. Don't be surprised to hear about brain research and business skills, self-soothing techniques from all walks of life, suggestions and experiments, and anything that lights my passion for couples. (Author and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Calif. Lic # MFC 45204.) (Hide)
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On TV and in movies one seems to see a lot of serial relationships. Almost every character is dealing with an ex, and kids, and the incumbent problems.
Great question. I am certain that when the majority of people say, "I do," they mean it for a lifetime.
What's missing is education about what comes after the wedding, the work needed, communication tools, the crashing of family systems, and so on. There are usually six people in the marriage: the two of us and our four parents.
We have to create a marriage that is you and me and the third entity, our marriage. The question is, "What's good for our marriage?" needs to supersede, "What's good or important for me?"
Most marriages can be worked on and make it with growth and secure attachment ? in other words, happy, loving, content, sexual, fulfilling.
But not by leaving things alone, sweeping topics under the rug, or taking each other for granted.
Many people put tons of effort into their education and career and are very successful. Use that same skill set to educate yourselves relationally.
Check out the Connect2 Recommended Reading List
for the beginning of your marital education.
The TV and movies you mention where the kids are soaking up the conversations between ex-s and blended families, are usually complicated and maybe torturous.
Your point about serial relationships is well noted. We tend to end up picking another partner that has many of the same traits the last one(s) did ? it's often our inner work to heal the wounds so we have healthier relationships.