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By Chandrama Anderson

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About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and have lived in and around Palo Alto since 1969. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in Silicon Valley for 15 years before becoming a therapist. My background i...  (More)

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Taking or Receiving in a Marriage or Relationship

Uploaded: Mar 2, 2017
I’ve been sick with a bad cold that has put me back to basics (sleep, eat). My husband is working FT (at a stressful job). My brother in-law is here this week, and my step-sons, too.

Normally, I would be taking care of shopping and meals for all, plus doing my work (not quite FT). And this time, I can’t. Having my husband cook and take care of me is lovely – and it’s hard for me to just relax and accept his care. I feel uncomfortable sitting on the couch reading when he’s tired after a long day and is in the kitchen fixing food. He usually helps me make supper.

Yet this time we can’t share responsibilities equally. And I have to deal with my own feelings of discomfort. I was brought up to carry my own weight, and to help others. I was not brought up to receive or take.

I was talking to a man at a holiday party in December. He said he doesn’t feel okay “taking” from his partner (i.e., letting her do things for him). I suggested he consider thinking of it as receiving vs. taking.

The definitions of take are:
- to get into one's hold or possession by voluntary action.
- to hold, grasp, or grip.
- to get into one's hands, possession, control, etc.

The definitions of receive, on the other hand, are:
- to take into one's possession something offered or delivered.
- to have (something) bestowed, conferred, etc.
- to have delivered or brought to one.

When you allow yourself to receive from your partner, you allow them to offer, to bestow upon you. When you take, there is an edge of control.

In your marriage, do you take? Receive? Give? Offer? Bestow? Is it equal in your relationship? Does one do most of the giving and the other taking or receiving? Is it working for both of you?

Consider what it would look like for you to offer with a good heart and to receive with a good heart.

In a healthy couple’s relationship, balance usually shifts back and forth, like a seesaw. If one end is stuck in the dirt and the other up in the air, there’s likely some work to be done.




Comments

 +   1 person likes this
Posted by JennieWise12, a resident of Atherton: other,
on Mar 3, 2017 at 1:32 am

JennieWise12 is a registered user.

Nice blog!


 +   1 person likes this
Posted by maria20, a resident of Old Mountain View,
on Mar 4, 2017 at 10:46 pm

maria20 is a registered user.

Really it is awesome post and thanks for sharing. The explanation that you have provided for taking or receiving is very good.


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