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By Chandrama Anderson

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About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and have lived in and around Palo Alto since 1969. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in Silicon Valley for 15 years before becoming a therapist. My background i...  (More)

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"Unpack Your Heart"

Uploaded: Oct 3, 2014
Take a listen to Philip Philips song Unpack Your Heart.

Most of us, at heart, want to be truly known, accepted, and loved as we are. And we may fear being known with all of our shadows and uncertainties, thoughts, feelings, life experiences, and scars. We also have our own light to shine, that no other person can do.

This song invites us to show up as we are, accepted and healed by our relationship with our beloved. Of course, "Unpack Your Heart" doesn't allude to how much work that might be!

And we can heal in relationship, especially since most of our wounding came from relationship, whether in our early or adult years.

It may be difficult when we begin to learn of our beloved's authentic inner self and what is most hidden. Yet, we all have scars. These are our opportunities to grow and become more intimate as a couple, even if they are not easy instances.

I read a quote recently in which a man said of his wife that he was attracted to her for a certain trait she had that he didn't have; but then didn't realize just how much of that trait he would get from her. This is common.

I invite you to think about your heart, what's been unpacked already, and what's still packed. Are you ready to unpack your heart with your love?

Comments

 +  Like this comment
Posted by J T, a resident of another community,
on Oct 4, 2014 at 9:34 am

This is very true. I know that in my last serious relationship both me and my girlfriend came to the table with some "baggage". We grew together to overcome some of these obstacles. Sometimes the things we learned about one another were scary, but the following passage applied:
"And we can heal in relationship, especially since most of our wounding came from relationship, whether in our early or adult years" .
Thanks for an uplifting article.

Justin Taylor Ballston Spa NY


 +  Like this comment
Posted by Sea REDDY, a resident of College Terrace,
on Oct 9, 2014 at 5:10 am

Hello Chandrama

Interesting article.

Unpack your heart?

I am about 62+. I come from India to US in August 1973. I did not believe in arranged marriages and it was one of the many reasons I ran away to US.

While in engineering college in Hyderabad India, I fell in love without her knowing I love for almost 18 months; not much opportunity to say I love her. The society was not at all open to young people expressing love or affection. She knew I wanted to know her; but she could not acknowledge. She was beautiful, and charming; attended a college across my engineering school, 1971-1973.

I came to USA in August 1973 to go to graduate school. I did not have opportunity to say good bye, let alone to say I loved her.

At age 24; having finished my education at Texas Tech, Lubbock, settled in a small town in Texas (Sweetwater, TX); perfect job, a little bit of money, all going well and I was introduced by my company LUDLUM owner's future wife (1976); to meet a very pretty young lady, that was going to junior college nearby (Snyder, Tx).

We met at a pizza place; she is charming + beautiful; and all and the only thing was she is from another country. Within half hour of knowing each other; I knew more about her than normal; her brother and I went to the same University (Texas Tech, Lubbock); in fact same department (Industrial Engineering). We came from different religions - it did not matter; we came from different countries - it did not matter; we came from big families of 5 siblings each.

Only difference was; cultures of superiority; we are better than you type. She felt she came from a better society. It never changed; may be overt elite attitude.

We tried to involve both families; immediate (my two elder brothers and her brother did not accept or agree. About three months later; drove to city hall and married in the court house; and my boss and owner of the company I worked for LUDLUM was the witness.

We have two daughters from this marriage; we tried for seven years; moved to California in 1977; lived comfortably; had good jobs; lived in El Segundo, Manhattan Beach, Redondo Beach; and it did not work. We divorced ten years after three years of separation.

Post-script:

I thought I opened my heart; the new way. What happened could happen to any couple with good intentions. I feel, internal prejudices and elite thinking can not be ignored.

About twenty years later, through friends, I checked back to see if the 'young lady' that I fell in love with her who was near my college Hyderabad, India.

My friend informed me that she was married; had two children and unfortunately, went to Heaven in 1998, due to ovarian cancer.

I can say I tried; I have two beautiful daughters; 35 and 32 and they are well educated and successful people.

I did have another relationship later that produced a child that I am proud of and he is a chemical engineer from University of Michigan, Ann Arbor.

All I have to say "love and marriages are made in heaven".

At least it is true in my case and I am still in need of love.

"Am I wrong?"


 +  Like this comment
Posted by Chandrama Anderson, a Almanac Online blogger,
on Oct 10, 2014 at 7:54 am

Chandrama Anderson is a registered user.

Hi Sea REDDY, thanks for writing in and sharing your story. I notice that despite everything, you are "still in need of love." You have baggage, as we all do (not being able to approach the girl you wanted, not being able to cross over a class barrier with your wife, trying to make it work with her in new locations, even while we all bring our issues with us, wherever we go, and so on). I don't know about love and marriage being made in heaven, and I think most of us want it here, and now. I think we still expect relationships to be work-free. We have to cultivate and care for our relationships. Think more like a beautiful garden.


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